The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
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“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”