when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
You Might Also Like
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*