If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
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At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”