I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
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I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked