Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
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spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
We decided to have money instead of children.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”