I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
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Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
crazy
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Fluff me with a fork baby
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.