*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
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I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying