Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
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It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”