My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
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“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Europe. Made in Germany.
All is fair in drunk and war.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.