Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
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In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
As the Lord intended
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
How about I get 100% off by already being there
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
she has a point
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.