If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
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[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Am I having a stroke?
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
My brain is a bad influence on me
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
what’s the point then??