[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
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why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.