ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
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I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Oh we’ve met.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Do not steal food from the science building!
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.