I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
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some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”