My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
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I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.