My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
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Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.