Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
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promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Noted.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.