I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
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God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
How software testing works
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.