*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
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You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..