My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
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Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..