Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
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so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.