Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
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“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.