[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
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Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.