“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
You Might Also Like
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.