Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
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I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.