My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
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“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
What?
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.