“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
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Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’