People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
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Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
not to brag, but mine was free
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.