killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
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I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing