you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
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I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Give a baker flours on your first date.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch