[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
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Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Bed should get ready for ME
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
when you don’t want to be too vague
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”