Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
You Might Also Like
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Why is no one talking about this?!
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?