Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
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Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so