I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
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the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.