“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
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Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.