To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
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Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
let’s discuss
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
pictures of spider-man
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Are you ok, human???
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.