I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
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My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.