The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
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My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
inventing words: clothing
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now