I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
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My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow