Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
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[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-