You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
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Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
How all things should be taught/explained.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!