Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
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*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.