Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
You Might Also Like
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.