A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
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sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.