They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
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He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK