“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
You Might Also Like
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon