Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
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Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you