My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
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Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.