Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
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[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.