Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
You Might Also Like
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
That was easy.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”